Hey how are you?
I didn’t get round to posting last week as I was away with a wonderful friend, at her equally wonderful parents house in the Brecon Beacons. I was made to feel so so welcome and the views were simply stunning. I had such a lovely time.
As you can see the title is ‘knowing who you really are’ and is something I’m quite passionate about as it’s made such a difference to me.
For most of my life I looked for affirmation from other people. If I was told I had done a good job at work, that I was pretty or I was funny etc I felt good about myself. When I was told negative things like I was stupid, a drama queen or anything else negative I would feel bad about myself. It’s so much easier to believe negativity when you don’t understand how to focus on the positive and I started to really not like myself, in fact it would be more accurate to say I hated myself.
When you don’t know your own value it’s hard to believe that you have any value to others, which can then lead to destructive behaviour, I know because I have been there and it becomes a vicious circle. Now I know my experience may sound very intense but it’s the same principle whatever level your experience is or has been.
The first part of the journey is to start believing your worth just as you are. You are the only one of you and you are that way for a reason. You can do things that no one else can do. It’s easy to dismiss that truth, thinking ‘anyone can do that, it’s not a big deal’, but when you are operating out of who you truly are, it really is the easiest thing in the world. Like I’ve said before I had no belief whatsoever that I was creative, I honestly couldn’t see it because it came so naturally I thought everyone could do it, which made me think it was nothing special. It’s easier for others to see how good you are at certain things as most of us struggle with self doubt and self belief.
Something that has made a dramatic difference for me is the people I surround myself with. I used to allow all sorts of people into my life without thinking about if they were helpful or not. Since being aware of what a difference that makes, I am much more careful about who I ‘let in’. Positive and encouraging people create an environment that makes a safe place to grow in who you are and be able to make mistakes without fear. It also works the other way and helps us to encourage others and be more gracious. There will always be those around you who are negative but you can choose who and what to listen to, it’s not easy but with practice it gets a lot easier and the benefits to you as a person are so freeing.
Even seemingly small things such as when I had a haircut and felt good, if it wasn’t noticed and mentioned I would feel really hurt. Firstly, everyone is going through their own ‘stuff’ and so won’t always notice things even when it seems obvious to us and secondly some may notice and choose not to say anything for whatever reason. The point is we need to be secure enough in ourselves that we don’t need the approval of others to be happy. It is of course lovely to be complimented and encouraged but we need to be content enough in ourselves that it doesn’t make or break how we feel.
When I look back to my first marriage I can see that I was looking to my husband to make me happy. No one can make us happy unless we are first happy with ourselves. It isn’t anyone else’s responsibility or job. Relationships are hard enough when we go into them knowing who we are and not expecting the other person to complete us as it were.
When we take hold of our worth and value (and others), life becomes much easier and enjoyable. Constantly fighting for a place at the table or trying to prove yourself is incredibly exhausting and draining.
We all have a story of why we are the way we are but we also all have a choice in the way we deal with it. How we choose to cope with our hurts and fears is completely up to us, we can’t be helped unless we are willing to first make the choice to help ourselves . It took me a long time to realise this for myself but I am now happier, freer and more content than ever.
There has been a very powerful advertisement on the television lately about children that have been abused both mentally and physically and the captions to each child as they are dancing, playing the drums etc is that they are not the abuse that they have been subjected too. They will obviously have been affected and need help but the point is that they are not prepared to become the victim, but to choose life over the hideous abuse they have experienced.
Make a decision today to start being kind to yourself and see the difference it makes.
Let me know your thoughts.
Sending you lots of love